Penultimate chemotherapy behind me....one to go.
I must say this round has not been easy. During the treatment itself I felt uncomfortable and sick. Normally I have such a potent cocktail of happy drugs percolating through me I wouldn't notice if I was tazered.
Dr. Muldoon suggests I take alprazolam (tradename Xanax) in low dose for my existential angst. I'll give it a try. My concern is that I already forget why I am looking right or left when I am upright and conscious. A drug that diminishes memory and concentration while increasing weariness would definitely be a mixed blessing. Perhaps taking it only at bedtime? It is a wonder I sleep at all at night since I sleep all day....
Definitely I have a gallery of Edvard Munch paintings hanging in my nearly empty head right now. I feel as if I've been converted into Kafka's "infernal vermin"!!
Meditation, thought blocking, that sort of non-chemical approach may be an avenue to explore if I can figure out how or get the energy to make a start. Any leads? These techniques might help arrest pesky intrusive, alarming thoughts that seem to be triggering my anxiety. Obvious to me is the fact that my life has radically changed. I have no "added value" work to do for others so I am filled with shadows and demons and petty self-absorption. Nature abhors a vacuum!
I hope the day comes soon when I can march out and be engaged and useful rather than dependent and ill.
I am living that saw "idle hands are the Devil's Playground". His playground, unfortunately, is in my mind!
"Shall we make a start" as Tom Courtenay would say to Albert Finney in that wonderful film, The Dresser. I will now try to exercise my minimal memory stores and block my absorption with myself. Will MizFlounce succeed, you query? Probably I am doing all this sleep-writing.
The comments all of you made yesterday in my blog were especially meaningful to me. I felt so dreadful but when I read them I had a sense of lightness. When you've been sidelined like I have it is reassuring to know that someone still experiences me (even in past tense) as useful and valued! Thank you so for much for your kindness.
Susan, my stellar niece, also wrote. She has been having some health concerns that trouble her and like so much of the world today she feels the storm clouds of financial disarray looming on the horizon. She and I can join hands in a spiritual and real way to know that we will see a better day. Cannot make too much of the moment, Susan! I love and value you and will kick butt with the Powers that Be on your behalf.
For myself I shall just send a simpering, whimpering plea or two heavenward on an updraft ...
Meandering in the Miasma,
Judy (via jeff)
PS Here is another good overview of ovarian cancer just out in US News and World Report http://usnews.healthline.com/usnewschannel/ovariancancer
PPS: Chip, my son-in-law got his biopsy results back and there seems to be no metastasis of his colon cancer. Hooray for Chip!!
PPPS: The Dresser http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/review?res=9806EFDE1F39F935A35751C1A965948260&scp=1&sq=%22the%20dresser%22%20finney&st=cse&pagewanted=print
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1 comment:
Dear Judy,
I suspect you are "more sinned against than sinning".
Hope your uncharacteristic plunge into the acid of agitation clears up soon!
Have your son order you some books on mindfulness meditation and relaxation techniques. Since you have the time couldn't you try to locate some meditation groups in your area or a therapist? You might not have the stamina for the groups right now.
I am a big fan of this sort of thing.
King Lear and Shakespeare too!!
You are the best...
Cecily
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