Wise advice from a friend

Zooming out for my Blood Booster this morning

Later

"I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat of your new one to inflict instant death when it bites my butt.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. Your friend, K"


Blame it on the Bosa Nova!!

No, seriously, Wise Words, Kelsey. Times are tough and folks are getting desperate. En garde!! The inspiration you have given me by ferreting out these wise words should shine bright for us all. I suspect a deeper motive for providing me with sober approaches to daily living is that you have noticed my mood has been as high as the Hindenburg on that gaseously hot evening of 6 May 1937. Do you wish merely to take me down a notch or two before I, too, go supernova? Even more wise! Stitch in time and all that.

Yet, I must speak out in defense of our new toilets. Big Biscuits thoroughly researched what was latest and greatest in bathroom waste removal. My burly nephews, Pod and Shot, installed these $1000 per jewels in each of our toilettes. Now we have a true Suburban Paradiso by the Lake. Paul and I are coddled from stem to stern. No cranny is o'erlooked.

Once plugged in the fun begins! Instead of lashing, burning Spider bites you will feel a vibration slowly spread upward from your nether realms. Next soft zephyrs blow across various orifices to stimulate vigorous expulsions. Should this fail a rubber noose clamps round your buttocks and a "high vacuum jolt" rips everything out you. A specially designed Nipponese "blowback reverse-plunger" helps retain your intestines. Gentle jets of warm water clean and caress your bottom then puffs of desert air infused with baby powders dry, fortify and pucker your privates. Should you be either too old or too fat to rise (albeit lighter for your release) you can hit the red lever to your right and the powerful vacuum reverses itself to shoot a 200 mph blast of air into your rump shooting you at the nearest door. The principle is the same as a pellet gun.

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When you visit you will place your tiney hiney on a Toto that most speaks to you (http://www.performancetoilets.com/ ). Our friend, Victor Feske, says that Captain Horatio Hornblower, his hero, would use one if he were to drop by for a visit. I've never met Horatio (now an Admiral, I think?) but Vic makes him sound the soul of rectitude and good taste. Drop on by. Cap, and take a seat. You can, too!!

Who could ask for more? Life is truly good...

Well Cleansed,
Judy (via jeff)

PS From the news last night a famous historian fully supports my friend, K, and her sense of the Zeitgeist:

The Zeitgeist