The Vagaries of Existence

You will have noticed from my blog entry yesterday that my best foot was forward at that time, seemingly so long ago. If you did not read all the way through my missive you would not have learned that I fell from my state of grace. And did a double somersault backwards.

In fact, I never landed. Just spinning and twirling betwixt and between. My brain is doing forward flips, my tummy back flips and my spirit handstands. Never the twain shall meet.

There is nothing carnavalesque about any of this. Well...actually one of those tableaus Cirque du Soleil creates when bizarre beasties screech and scream with contorted bodies through clouds of fog and color does come to mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eP6AJXprOXc

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I do approve (sounds like the conclusion of a political ad, eh?) of Jeff introducing a considerable amount of humor to the blog since otherwise, given the topic and my general course, my updates and musings would all be just too dreary. Lately the tenor would be that of a written ululation. Best turn the volume down, transpose to another key.

My own humor remains vestigially intact, thank goodness. Just a few gleams and glimmers, however. Humor may be the best medicine, as Readers Digest would have it, but first you need to have the capacity to reach the medicine cabinet and swig a dose.

Me as of Today

The summary is this. Dr. Muldoon and loving staff herded me into the Genesis Center yesterday since my condition had them a bit freaked out. The possible causes of my sudden worsening are: CANCER (of course) but more specifically could it have spread to my brain. I will get a scan next Tuesday of the head to assess that. A more to be hoped for alternative is that my pain meds are at too high a level and inducing this extremely uncomfortable state. The dosing was adjusted downward yesterday. Will the pain return now? Always something with this cancer problem!

I heard murmurs in the corners of the Genesis Center that went something like "she may be eligible for hospice soon". Or, I think I did. Translation: the Gemzar is not working and there is no further treatment (getting active chemotherapy or other treatment = no hospice services in Arkansas). No one has said this to my face...as yet.

Now that I am on fewer opiates I may succeed at remaining conscious long enough to read a few pages of what looks like everything Steinbeck ever wrote. Looking about our Lakeside Shangri-La I think Jeff' has had about 10,000 books lobbed over our doorstep from Amazon.com since September last. Now it is Steinbeck-in-Toto. I dread the day when all of Proust's À la recherche du temps perdu arrives. In French and not translation, no doubt. To really make my day...

But, despite his tendency to excess and eccentricity, I am relying heavily on same Jeff to take in the data from me and other sources and place it more or less correctly for your use here. My brain scrambles most of reality within seconds to minutes...then it gets deleted so I am not too reliable at any particular moment. The proverbial blessing in disguise you say? "Who would want to remember all that you are going through, Judy." True, but to have your mind go spinning off into the wind is not a reassuring, God is in his Heaven type of experience. You must trust me on this.

I DON'T like being this way. I definitely hope this topsy-turvy world my mind now inhabits settles down very quickly. Having a poor memory is one thing, confusion teetering on the edge of disintegration is entirely another. Very alarming!

Tomorrow a nurse from the St. Joseph's Home Health Care Unit will call around 9 AM to give us a window of time when she will come by the house to check out our situation and give recommendations on what would be of greatest added value for Paul and me. None too soon. Pod Buie, my salt-of-the-earth/finest-of-men nephew has agreed to be in attendance as our recorder to assure accuracy.
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Bless you Pod! And bless all of you out there who are wishing me the very best in these challenging times...

Barely but Still Here,
Judy (via jeff)

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