The Vagaries of Existence

You will have noticed from my blog entry yesterday that my best foot was forward at that time, seemingly so long ago. If you did not read all the way through my missive you would not have learned that I fell from my state of grace. And did a double somersault backwards.

In fact, I never landed. Just spinning and twirling betwixt and between. My brain is doing forward flips, my tummy back flips and my spirit handstands. Never the twain shall meet.

There is nothing carnavalesque about any of this. Well...actually one of those tableaus Cirque du Soleil creates when bizarre beasties screech and scream with contorted bodies through clouds of fog and color does come to mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eP6AJXprOXc

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I do approve (sounds like the conclusion of a political ad, eh?) of Jeff introducing a considerable amount of humor to the blog since otherwise, given the topic and my general course, my updates and musings would all be just too dreary. Lately the tenor would be that of a written ululation. Best turn the volume down, transpose to another key.

My own humor remains vestigially intact, thank goodness. Just a few gleams and glimmers, however. Humor may be the best medicine, as Readers Digest would have it, but first you need to have the capacity to reach the medicine cabinet and swig a dose.

Me as of Today

The summary is this. Dr. Muldoon and loving staff herded me into the Genesis Center yesterday since my condition had them a bit freaked out. The possible causes of my sudden worsening are: CANCER (of course) but more specifically could it have spread to my brain. I will get a scan next Tuesday of the head to assess that. A more to be hoped for alternative is that my pain meds are at too high a level and inducing this extremely uncomfortable state. The dosing was adjusted downward yesterday. Will the pain return now? Always something with this cancer problem!

I heard murmurs in the corners of the Genesis Center that went something like "she may be eligible for hospice soon". Or, I think I did. Translation: the Gemzar is not working and there is no further treatment (getting active chemotherapy or other treatment = no hospice services in Arkansas). No one has said this to my face...as yet.

Now that I am on fewer opiates I may succeed at remaining conscious long enough to read a few pages of what looks like everything Steinbeck ever wrote. Looking about our Lakeside Shangri-La I think Jeff' has had about 10,000 books lobbed over our doorstep from Amazon.com since September last. Now it is Steinbeck-in-Toto. I dread the day when all of Proust's À la recherche du temps perdu arrives. In French and not translation, no doubt. To really make my day...

But, despite his tendency to excess and eccentricity, I am relying heavily on same Jeff to take in the data from me and other sources and place it more or less correctly for your use here. My brain scrambles most of reality within seconds to minutes...then it gets deleted so I am not too reliable at any particular moment. The proverbial blessing in disguise you say? "Who would want to remember all that you are going through, Judy." True, but to have your mind go spinning off into the wind is not a reassuring, God is in his Heaven type of experience. You must trust me on this.

I DON'T like being this way. I definitely hope this topsy-turvy world my mind now inhabits settles down very quickly. Having a poor memory is one thing, confusion teetering on the edge of disintegration is entirely another. Very alarming!

Tomorrow a nurse from the St. Joseph's Home Health Care Unit will call around 9 AM to give us a window of time when she will come by the house to check out our situation and give recommendations on what would be of greatest added value for Paul and me. None too soon. Pod Buie, my salt-of-the-earth/finest-of-men nephew has agreed to be in attendance as our recorder to assure accuracy.
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Bless you Pod! And bless all of you out there who are wishing me the very best in these challenging times...

Barely but Still Here,
Judy (via jeff)

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Best Foot Forward

Yes...this is me today. My best foot if firmly forward. And, you will note, some of my hair is growing back. Time to relinquish my jaunty chapeau? A healthy gleam winks in my eye belying the profound depth of soul. Don't you agree?

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My reprieve is holding. Is it that I managed to eat some of the delicious breakfast grub Big Biscuits (aka Paul Edmund) has offered up this morning. Or that the anticipated arrival of Susan and Lou is today and I have it enough together to speak?* In town are some of Paul's S. Louisiana buddies, Robert, Albert, et al who have a big pile of shellfish in tow. Always welcome!! Maybe it is just the the reverberating aura of the Cavorting Ladies of the Night** still washing over me.

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Who can say? I am just grateful for these moments...

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Judy (via jeff)

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*Don't get me wrong...I am still, as my dear daddy would say, "down and out" but I am not in Woody Allen's horrible class of people today. Just miserable (in a scene from Annie Hall, Woody is explaining to Diane Keaton there are two classes of people in the world. The horrible are those in Calcutta who have been cut off at the waist and scoot about in the mud on boards with wheels attached; the miserable are all the rest of us. Something like that).

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** See my blog entry from yesterday to gasp at what chocolate has wrought here in Hot Springs!!!

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NB: 11 AM... My reprieve did not last long. Feeling horrible. Nauseated, dizzy, no memory to speak of. I had to get a raincheck on the visit from Susan and Lou. One good thing...Jeff got the home health care thing going so someone probably will come by on Sunday to assess matters here and offer up a passle of helpful suggestions and assistance. Dr. Muldoon is so concerned about my confusion (missed my appointment yesterday afternoon...completely forgot) that he will be seeing me, ad hoc, in short order today. They are going to reduce my pain meds further to see if that helps with the confusion. To be safe, next Tuesday I go in for a CT scan of the brain. Maybe I am on the borderline between miserable and horrible?

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I Dreamed a Dream...

Total Drag Ass Syndrome (TDAS) has settled over me for the past 3 days. Symptoms of this baleful condition include crawling pitifully from room to room, lacking sufficient mental steam to stitch words together, nausea, no appetite, panting from the effort of going to toilet; not bathing for 3 days.

My pain pills are mounting a poor response. Even with the new directions Dr. Muldoon has plastered on all my bottles.

The opiates are not conjuring up even illusory happiness despite the mega-amounts coursing through my veins. Unless incipient delirium counts as joy.

Through a glass darkly.

I am having a bit of a reprieve right now so I rescheduled for later today (Thursday the 16th) the chemotherapy appointment I had to miss yesterday. During this visit I hope Paul and I will get a referral. Someone to drift by for a few hours to offer up "Hints from Nurse Heloise" and, perhaps, provide some heavy lifting as well. Like menu planning? Seems the time is upon me for all of that.

I have learned a few cheery bits of information which I would like to share with you. One is that the local ladies will be congregating tonight to embrace The Spirit of the Hot Springs Feminine.

Hot Springs Matrons at Hearth & Home!

I wish I had the oomph to toddle out and be there with La Belle Femme. All 5000 of them.

My imagination is already Divining the going's on. Bodies smeared in chocolate, freed of house and home, writhing frenetically to The Jungle Beat. Fabulous!!

Jolly Hot Springs Party Goer!

Holli, my social worker at the Genesis Center, is the Impresario. This is her way of creating a bonding experience. Chocolate is the mortar.

Holli, Chocolate Impresario

The Happy Herd might also consider adding the Methodist Women's Party Game for Max Bonding to their friendly frolics. Refer to my 6 December posting: "MizFlounce, Geriatric Bubble Girl" for details.

My heart is also lightened by the fact that Susan Thompson, my niece and my niece-in-law, Lou, will be paying me a call in near future. I trust I shall have the vigor on that day to open my eyes and create a sentence. Or understand one.

QueenJanita continues to live in a Nicotine Free Zone. For 16 days now. At least, we can surmise her condition since spies at her work report she shuffles about with head parallel to the floor at all times. Mumbling. When someone does get her attention she either breaks into sobs or angrily bellows, spittle flying, what is assumed to be expletives most foul.

QJ persists in slipping the yoke of a cruel taskmaster, the Mighty Cig! Been there, done that myself...

Finally, take a gander at this amazing piece of Internet Exuberance. Quite the Cinderella story. I think you will enjoy it. Certainly you will love Susan Boyle's voice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/18/arts/television/18boyle.html.

There was a time when men were kind,

And their voices were soft,

And their words inviting. .

.There was a time when love was blind,

And the world was a song
And the song was exciting.

, There was a time when it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,

When hope was high and life, worth living.

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I dreamed that love would never die,

I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid,

And dreams were made and used and wasted.

There was no ransom to be paid,

No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

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But the tigers come at night,

With their voices soft as thunder,

As they tear your hope apart,

And they turn your dream to shame.

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He slept a summer by my side,

He filled my days with endless wonder...

He took my childhood in his stride,

But he was gone when autumn came!

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And still I dream he'll come to me,

That we will live the years together,

But there are dreams that cannot be,

And there are storms we cannot weather! .

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living,

So different now from what it seemed...

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

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I guess I'll make it to tomorrow,

Judy (via jeff)

NB: "Pill with every breath" graphic compliments of Skip Goodman. Thank you, Skip!

http://www.skipgoodman.com

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