Funtimes

Nearly 12 days of relentless rain and darkness to be broken about 30 minutes ago by a lovely evening sunshine. Mother is sleeping now as she has done nearly all day but she did wake for a bit when the sun broke through and said, "These are the funtimes". I appreciate her cooperative kindness which is always evident even as she suffers this relentless, stalking and cruel disease. If I ask her directly how she feels she invariably says, "fine, fine". But at other times she will make sad and poignant comments to the air like "I think something is alive in my belly" and "I'm so tired of this, so tired". I am convinced she is not feeling any physical pain, however.

She is eating and drinking virtually nothing now....2 bites of scrambled eggs this morning and a few sips of water just enough to down her pain medication. Mizflounce is too, too tired to bestow her lovely smile on me any longer but she did answer a question I put to her with a touch of her old twinkle. "Mother, who is coming to visit you tomorrow?" to which she slowly but confidently responded..."QueenJanita!" I then put to her "and who do you think is going to collect her at the airport?". Mom knew that one too..."BlgBiscuits"

Don't get me wrong, it is very hard. While writing this I hear her moan across the room softly and begin to sit up. With my usual bravado I stride over and say "Why what does the Great Matron need? I am totally at your service!". "Pee pee" is the only response.

With great difficulty I help her stand and get to the bedside commode which is immediately beside the bed. Mother then is not able to sit. Unfortunately, Dad walks in at that moment and helps me sit her down. Nothing happens so I get her to stand and then just pick her up and place her back in bed. Dad, of course, is overwhelmed and hurries from the room. I see him crying in the living room.


Mom has settled in again to her nest with Mr. Frog, the music of Bach in the background. She rests peacefully in the twilight...

Jeff for Judy

Mother's Day...

Mother moved about and woke for a bit at 4 AM. She asked me for a sip of water, stared a bit into the dark void of her bedroom and then gave a heartfelt "Thank y...o....u". Always gracious and sweet even now. The sun did not rise this morning, dark clouds and rain, but she did find her room and window filled with flowers...something she still appreciates to a degree. Pod, Shelby, Randy and Linda, her friends and relatives, all brought baskets of flowers. Trailing lantana and wonderful pink impatiens. That combined with Tina's bouquet and the enormous one I have thrown together all dance before her eyes when she is awake. That is not very often today. But, be assured since I have been present she has not experienced any pain. Her mood also seems dreamily copacetic and benign.


Mother is eating less and less, about a glass of Ensure yesterday and probably less today. She never asks for anything even water. When she is awake and alert I carry on a type of conversation with her. We go freewheeling all over the place without making a bit of sense. I don't think Dad has quite the gift for this type of non-sequitur conversational style. He mostly sits silently with her and pats her a bit before getting too upset and leaving. I will have to encourage him to do what I do....when she is quiet with her eyes closed I often sit and go down memory lane supposing she is listening. When we are failing one of the last things to go is hearing. Mother may be having random periods of lucidity and tracking what I or you or anyone may be saying...even if there is no external evidence. At the very least I know mother finds my voice soothing as well as a soft massage of the neck, upper back and scalp. I think I will help her get a long and luxurious bath and select her most silky gown as fitting accoutrement's to Her Day!

But that will not happen today. Perhaps tomorrow. Mother could barely walk with assistance the few steps to the toilet this morning. I did give her two back, neck and scalp massages along with a total body rubdown with deliciously scented oil. I was finishing off the dance of the emollients, slowly kneading her left forearm when Mother looked at me and said, "you are so funny!" pause then, "I have always felt that for us the thing" longer pause followed by "the thing...the thing....the thing.....the thing...." just trailing off to nothing.

This is all very, very difficult as you probably can imagine. I am fairly good at self-control but this drenching in the bittersweet is enough to drown anyone.

Jeff for Judy

PS Happier times. Mother enjoys a jaunt to her home-away-from-home south of Siena, Italy in 2005.